cha-cha-cha-cha-cha changes!

"one year" has brought on tremendous transition with our silverboys. it's been happening for the past month now, but seems to keep picking up speed as they move past the 12 month mark. if your first birthday isn't a big enough milestone, why not just go ahead and throw in walking, moving to one nap, and weaning yourself off the boob?!

let's start with breastfeeding. first of all, HOLY CRAP! i've actually, officially, nursed these guys for 12 months. i NEVER thought i would get to this point. geez, there were times i barely thought i would get to 3 months. but as most of you know who read this blog, we found a way to work through our challenges and breastfeeding became a fantastic thing for us. it's really been a team effort. i've almost exclusively tandem fed these guys, and most of our really amazing intimate moments have happened in these close quarters. i can remember when the guys would run their fingers over each other's faces, giggling mid gulps, then reach up to touch my face. after nursing, one of their favorite things to do was to grab my hands (one for each boy - perfect!) and study my palm, then flip my hand to the back side, then flip it to my palm again, and then start laughing hysterically. the marvels of "the other side!" breastfeeding has served us well, and maybe served me even better than them. i have to say it's been a great "tool" to have in my back pocket through these past 12 months. when things got real hairy, and i just didn't know what to do, nursing them would always seem to do the trick. well, times have changed.

over the past month we've scaled back to three feedings. first thing in the morning and then after each nap. the day sessions have, for lack of a better word, "deteriorated" in a major way this past week. so much so we're down to 1.5 feedings now - meaning abel is still willing to nurse for about 90 seconds during the day. oz just can't be bothered, and as soon as abie sees ozzy running around playing with toys, he begs to join him. so in a very short time, we've gone from three squares a day to one. it's a good thing the boys really like their sippy cups and have gladly accepted plain soy milk (we're not doing the bovine thing). so far, so good. and the boys are clearly NOT undernourished. so really, i think this transition is more about me. in the back of my mind, i guess i kinda hoped the boys would continue to nurse a few times a day, especially since we decided not to do regular milk. but now that i'm faced with the boys weaning themselves, i have to quickly process all of this. the hardest part so far is seeing the boys literally squirm away when i position them on the enormous nursing pillow. something that used to be so welcoming to them, such a comfort, is now a major disturbance and cramp in their style. and that comfort is attached to ME! so tomorrow, all we'll do is the first morning feed, which continues to be a good thing for everyone, but i think we'll phase it out over the next few weeks (and hopefully not dramatically sooner), as my body and mind continue to adjust to this huge change. and, of course, i am thrilled with the prospect of getting that massive pillow out of our living room, wearing bras again, and banishing those darn nursing tops with a bazillion internal straps and openings. the one thing i'm not so thrilled about is having to cut out that nightly ice cream (among other calories)!

onto naps. today was the first time in, say, three weeks that the boys took two naps. we've rapidly gone from two wonderful 1.5 hour stretches (minimum), to one measly 45 minute nap...if i'm lucky. granted, the boys have recently started walking, and both are getting another round of teeth (abel has one popping as we speak and two more in the works). so there's a lot going on that can interfere with good day zzzzs. but i'm increasingly wondering if the boys are telling me they need to transition to one nap. this has been a major source of frustration for me, maybe because these two nice naps have always been my respite during the day. a time when i cleaned up, prepared food for them and me, took a shower, did laundry, blogged, and if really efficient, rested for a few minutes. as the boys gab, poop, jump and scream (w/ delight and sometimes not-so-much-delight)...anything but sleep...i have started to get impatient and even angry sometimes. i HATE feeling like that towards my guys, as any parent would, especially because i know so much is going on with them. so i'm working on it. as well as a transition strategy to one, long nap. haven't figured it out yet, but i'm reading about dawn's experiences over at the joys of twins with great interest! and if anyone has any suggestions...i will be eternally grateful.

to end the post on a high note, the boys are both transitioning to being on their own two feet. it's beyond exciting and possibly the cutest thing i've ever witnessed! oz took his first steps about two weeks ago and is getting more confident by the day. he's now somewhere in between walking and crawling to do the things he wants. if it's within 10 steps, he'll walk. anything longer than that and he's all about the speed crawl. he LOVES to be on his feet though, so i imagine that this transition will go pretty fast. he's such a little drunken sailor walking around - i love it! and abie is making good progress from his first steps just a few days ago. he has this great way of studying oz and figuring out what works and doesn't, then whipping out his version in a much more proficient way than his bro. when he walks, he is so solid and purposeful. i promise i'll get some video and post that soon.

this one year mark, amidst all the change, has been some of the funnest times i can remember. the boys keep us laughing and smiling all day long with their antics, silliness and cuddles. our little brute, oz-man, has developed such a soft side. he'll stop whatever he's doing to crawl as fast as he can over to us, climb into our lap/onto our chest, and snuggle into us for a minute, and then he's off again! and abie dances his butt off all day long and is just the gentlest being i have ever met - he still strokes my face with the sweetest smile, and loves to pet matilda with the softest, most respectful touch. we love these boys with every inch of our soul and thank god, every single day (multiple times), that abie and ozzy are in our lives!

the road to freedom

now that the boys are 9 months, i have to admit i've been thinking a lot about how this whole weaning thing is going to happen. i'm definitely committed to nursing these dudes until one year (give or take a few weeks, or months!). i mean, we've made it this far, through all the misery and crying and reflux and anti-latching and crying (it deserves two mentions) and bouncing on the stability ball while nursing (i'm serious with this one!) and mastitis and plugged ducts...need i go one?! twelve months minimum is what it is, given what it took to get these guys to actually nurse effectively, let alone ENJOY it! we've got it down though, and have since about 4 months, and now our days are punctuated by roughly 5 "sessions," each about 10 minutes tops. not bad.

this weekend i made the bold and totally compulsive decision to eliminate my end-of-the-day pump. j and i watched "the letters of iwo jima" (excellent flic) and got through about half of "death proof" (not so excellent) when the time came for me to pump. j always conveniently reminds me, and then it takes me about 15-20 minutes to actually bring myself to do it. it's like the chore you absolutely hate to do and have to talk yourself into. it was then and there that i decided i would much rather go to bed, and screw the pumping! the boys DON'T need the extra milk mixed into their oatmeal every day. sure, it might taste better, but who cares?! and so i skipped it. it was that easy. and i skipped it the day after. and the day after that. and that's that!

the pump is still conveniently sitting next to the computer, should i decide in some moment of insanity (or engorged boobs) that i need to use it again. but for now, i think i'm done with it. and trust me, this is a celebration that deserves a big night out on the town for. because at one point i interacted more with the pump than with my husband. like nine times a day more. and i know many of you reading this post right now are saying "amen, sister!" jordan and i are trying to line up a babysitter as we speak so we can celebrate appropriately. but my relationship to this pump is definitely bittersweet, and i have to pat it on the back for getting me through this. for if it not for the pump, i wouldn't have been able to do the past 9 months. my kiddos would have never gotten mom's milk in the first place. and for that i will always be grateful to that damn machine. as you can see, i love it and i hate it.

so with that, i have made my first step on the road to freedom. freedom from tubes and flanges, freedom from what looks like an innocent backpack, freedom from that constant droning motor, freedom from the porno tube top. and ultimately freedom from these two beautiful little men who still own my body...for the time being.

p.s. i need to give a grateful shout-out to my dear friend dana who, if it were not for her letting me borrow her pump, i would not be writing this today. this pump has walked a million miles, girlfriend, and i owe you big-time. xo.

goal!

it's hard for me to believe that i've been breastfeeding the boys for over 6 months now. originally i set short term goals - one month at a time - and once we got to 4 months i upped the ante to 6. breastfeeding was such a challenge for us all that i truly didn't think we would make it past 4 months. endless pumping, EBM supplements, unhappy feedings (sometimes i would have to nurse them while bouncing on an exercise ball!). but something clicked just as we met our first goal and since then, nursing them has been a pleasure. now it seems like old hat, we're all so good at it!

i was always constantly worried about how much they were taking in, how much i was producing, etc. it feels so good to not have to think about that anymore. i know they are thriving and that i am giving them/they are taking exactly what they need. we still give them a bottle of formula before bed, mainly because now it is part of our routine and, quite frankly, it gives me a little break from boob circus (anyone who has ever witnessed tandem feeding with, let's just say, less-than-focused 6 mo. olds, you'll know what i mean). and now i only pump once before going to bed!

the boys always hold onto each other when they nurse, either holding hands or grabbing each other's arms or face. they smile, laugh and talk to each other. they smile, laugh and talk to me (and j when he's in the room). it's truly one of the most endearing times to interact with them. and while i do nurse them separately on occasion, and i do enjoy the ease and simplicity of it, i have to say we all do a lot better together.

my new goal is a year...or whenever the boys naturally wean themselves. i can honestly say that nursing these guys has been one of the most challenging things i have every done...but now i am definitely feeling all the rewards!

four month factoids

here are some basics about the boys at 4 months:

- ozzy weighs: 12lb 8oz abel weighs: 12lb 4oz
- amount of milk they get each feed: 4 - 5 oz
(i know this because i have been a paranoid freak when it comes to breastfeeding and them getting enough. we rented a scale this week that measures by the tenth of an ounce. i can even measure how much comes up with a spit up - gross i know, but this is what happens when you become a parent. btw, for all the parents out there w/ spituppy kiddos, a humungous spit up is about a 1/4 of an ounce, so you have nothing to worry about)
- number of times they eat each day: 6 or 7
- average length of time they nurse each feed: 10 minutes
(btw, nursing has become a pleasure for the three of us. we are back to tandem feeding and have become fast and efficient. i can't believe we made it to 4 months...it's going so well, i may have to revise my 6 mo. goal!)
- number of hours they sleep each night: 11
- number of hours they sleep each day: it's anybody's guess, these boys fight naps like it's their mortal enemy
- number of times we bounce them on the yoga ball to soothe them/help get them sleepy: at least 3 times
- number of times a day we get in the car to take an afternoon emergency power nap: 1

ozzy is "this close" to rolling from back to front. he arches hard and gets to his side with his hips all the way turned to the front. it's the arm that gets in his way, but i think he'll figure it out in a week or so. abie started the arch a while ago, but i guess lost interest in pursuing it the way ozzy has. oz practices in his crib, every time he's on the play gym, etc. it's a compulsive thing for him and he won't rest until he gets it!

abie had his first swim yesterday at deep eddy, a natural spring fed pool that's on town lake. the water was COLD, so i wasn't sure how he'd react. he loved it! i kept him close to my chest with arms around him and he wasn't fazed the least. and he looked super cute in his board shorts! ozzy napped the whole time we were there, which was a good thing because i wasn't sure how i would manage two in the pool. i actually had my mesh sling with me, thinking i could wear ozzy and hold abie...maybe another day.

they are both talking so much now, babbling to their hanging animals on the play gym for sometimes 15 minutes. they love to rough house with mom and dad and giggle up a storm when we "rawr" at them while tickling their tummies. they both are enchanted by the outdoors and immediately settle when we take a walk in the stroller, in the bjorn, go for a car ride, or just sit them in front of the window.

they also recognize each other all the time now, which has become a bit of a distraction for them while nursing. they stare at each other and then start smiling and cooing. ozzy seems particularly interested in abie and talks to him all the time, as well as grabs his hand and arm and pulls himself over to face him.

we think they are teething; they are drooling A LOT and naw on things, especially our knuckles, at every opportunity. we do sit ups and squat exercises throughout the day, where i pull them up by their hands to a sit position and then they push themselves up to a stand. they absolutely love to be on their feet and have really strong legs, but we're trying to emphasize belly time and sitting first.

we love our lives with these boys!!! i honestly can't imagine being any happier or more in love.

sleep update update

j and i toasted to ferber tonight. it's that good. last night and tonight the boys went down with ease. not a peep from ozzy both nights and he was sound asleep within minutes. abie fussed for a few minutes, which turned into talking for a minute, which turned into sleep. 5 minutes tops for both of them to reach dreamland. since we started doing this, the boys are eating like champs and napping better. my breastfeeding challenges from the past few weeks have all but vanished and they are back to tandem nursing. they aren't even spitting up as much! it makes me think that all along they may have been sleep deprived.

we love sleeping babies!!!

three month turn

we can't believe the boys turned three months old last friday. i never quite understood the cliche, "how time flies" until we had these boys. it has truly been a glorious whirlwind and i can't wait for the next 3 months.

the boys are now 10 lbs. we had a bit of growing "pains" over the past month where ozzy put on very little weight. we have it under control now and he's back on track. two weeks ago, abel had him beat by 6 oz. now, he's upped abel by an once. i have a feeling this is only the beginning of many competitions between the two!

feeding has been our biggest challenge to date. i'm nursing them still, but they're just not getting/taking in enough. so we're supplementing a few times a day with either pumped milk or formula, depending on what we have on hand. i've made it my goal to breastfeed these guys until 6 months, and after that, all bets are off. i feel very ambivalent to breastfeeding these days. sometimes i love it and i feel an incredible intimacy with them during. other times i just don't think i can do it anymore.

sleeping is where most babies/parents struggle, but this is one department where the boys really shine. they've been sleeping 5-6 hour stretches since they were 8 weeks old and it just keeps getting better and better. they switch off who can sleep the longest, many times going for 7 hours!!! we struggled with when to stop swaddeling them, and finally kicked it about a week ago. the first two nights were tough, and thank god we had my best friend and her boyfriend in town, as they helped out tremendously. the boys just didn't know what to do with their arms, after sleeping the past 3 months with them burrito-ized. they would flail about doing crazy kung fu arm thrusts and wake themselves up every few minutes. by the third night, though, they were used to it and back to sleeping like champs. now they snooze in sweet little sleep sacks, which keep them cozy warm without the risk of a blanket. we just now instituted a bedtime ritual consisting of a bath, massage, a few books (which they usually sleep through), and then a bottle of either breast milk or formula. they usually zonk out before we even feed them (typically around 9pm), so we are going to move up their bedtime to an earlier hour and hopefully it will all make more sense. it's funny doing this whole routine that is intented to get a baby to fall asleep with two babies who crash out right after the bath!

the boys are also great companions to go out with. we try and get out every day, either to run errands or visit friends, or just to go for a walk. we also take them out to eat with us all the time. j and i enjoyed a lovely dinner at the south congress cafe on friday night and the boys just snoozed away next to us in the booth. we are also part of a new moms/babies class every friday morning. there are about 7 moms and babies and we sing songs, swap stories and talk about the joys and challenges of being a new mom. i love being part of this group and it makes it so much easier to soothe a fussy baby (or two!) when you are with a community of other moms and babies. i just don't understand why we have this culture of "doing it alone" here in the states.

the boys are doing all the typical 3 mo. stuff like clasping their hands, grapping-swatting-smiling at their toys, drooling a lot, putting things in their mouths, making lots of noises, laughing and smiling at every thing, etc. they're also doing some atypical stuff like consistently rolling over from tummy to back, mastering a pretty mean cobra and upward dog, wiggling their way arcoss the mat on their bellies, and being able to do awesome leg squats. these boys continue to be the scrappiest boys around.

boobie monologues

i had this idealistic notion about breastfeeding while i was pregnant. i thought it would be this serene, beautiful, as-nature-intended action. and while nursing two would add a second dimension to it, what would stop me from tandem nursing?

the reality of breastfeeding, for me, has been a shot in the arm. albeit i sit here today, at 5.5 weeks post silverboys birthday, able to tandem nurse at every feeding and provide the boys mom's milk exclusively. but i'll tell you this, it hasn't been a walk in the park.

because the boys were technically born as preemies just shy of 36 weeks, they lacked the strong sucking motion of a full-term babe. they could still nurse, and did from day 1, they just weren't stimulating my milk to come in. so i pumped. and pumped. 8-10 times a day to replicate what a strong nursing baby would feel like. but no milk came in. after 7 days of no milk, i started getting desperate thinking i wouldn't be able to breastfeed the boys. it was a rollercoaster i care not to repeat. i talked to lactation specialists, our doula, and wonderful friends who assured me life would go on and our boys would be perfectly healthy if we had to formula feed them. of course, all the books you read say that any normally functioning woman can produce enough milk for their babies. i have grown to be disenchanted with this kind of dogma. i started to feel like a failure.

it wasn't until the boys 2 week birthday that my milk came in. i don't know what did it - maybe all the herbal lactation tinctures and teas? all the pumping? nursing the boys even though they were barely getting anything (and trust me, they were frustrated to suck on a boob with no gratification!)? whatever it was, my prayers were answered.

since then, it's been a journey to teach the boys to be better nursers. with the help of silicone nipple shields, it's become a lot easier. at our last lactation appt. we discovered i had a fast "let down," which means when the boys start sucking, the milk comes out really fast at first. i went from no milk, to too much milk, and it was overwhelming to the boys. the shields help them control how much milk they take in, similar to a bottle nipple. last week we achieved tandem nursing (both of them "on" at the same time), and we are now starting to ween them off their supplemental bottle (they've been each getting about an once of pumped milk as part of their feed). i'm also weening myself from this foresaken pump, as i've been cleared to transition to pumping every other feeding (down from EVERY feed!). in some ways, it feels like i'm going through a separation and divorce! of course, weening the boys from their supplement means possibly more nursing sessions per day, but i'm willing to give it a try.

along the way i've experienced lots of tenderness, plugged ducts, tons of frustration and heart ache, but ultimate success. it hasn't been easy, i've felt like quitting, but i'm really pround of myself and boys for sticking with it. i've also learned that what i experienced isn't the most uncommon thing in the world, especially for preemie babies. thanks to the amazing support of our hospital's lactation department, where i've received FREE consultations (as many as i need/want), and the support of my family and friends, i've been able to do this. i've also realized that while it's awesome to be able to nurse our boys and give them this nutrition, it's not the end-all-be-all that some folks make it out to be. you ultimately need to do what works for you and your family.

p.s. i was pumping the whole time i wrote this thanks to my porno tube top (aka hands-free pumping bra)!